On Weddings and Judgment
Part 2 in the On Weddings series. Part 1 available here.
Until I was engaged, I was oblivious to the strangely permissive culture that weddings induce when it comes to judgment. I certainly participated. With everything else, we’re fairly tolerant people. We celebrate what makes someone unique, and we shrug it off if someone’s values don’t align with our own. But weddings. Judgment is saved up for weddings, even by those who likely consider themselves particularly non-judgemental.
I remember, pre-engagement, judging with the rest of them. Weddings are fun to to talk about. “Do you know how much they spent on that wedding? This much.”
“No! That’s ridiculous!”
“I know! She just had to have it all.”
“I can’t imagine spending that much on just one day. That’s too extravagant.”
“Same. I like simple weddings. DIY and all that.”
“She should have tried to cut some costs. That’s just outlandish. And the food wasn’t really that good.”
“She probably spent it all on the dress.”
“If I had that much to spend on a dress, I wouldn’t have chosen that one.”
And so on.
Now that I’ve planned a wedding, I hope I never allow myself to take part in these conversations again. To have an opinion is one thing, but to assume for one minute that you could have made a better decision faced with the same pressures as the poor woman you’re referring to...that’s true arrogance.
Before I was engaged, I believed that I would be the different one. I would be frugal, unlike all those extravagant brides I knew or heard about. I would be independent, unlike all the pushovers who let family’s opinions run their wedding. I would be authentic, unlike all the consumer sell-outs. I would be calm and level-headed. I would be better.
I was not. Because, turns out, planning a wedding is hard. Things cost a lot of money. People have real feelings, and sometimes those feelings matter more than having your dream day. And you only have so many hours in a day to find the balance amongst those feelings, your budget, and all the hopes and dreams you’ve had since you were a kid.
To be honest, I think I heard the judgment in people’s voices while I was engaged. Behind their kind responses was an undertone I’d carried myself in the years prior: “When it’s my turn, I’ll be better.” But maybe I made that up; I can accept that.
The point is, we need to stop judging weddings. We need to recognize the arrogance for what it is--a lie. Faced with the same influences and situations...no, we probably wouldn’t do better. Differently, almost certainly, but better...unlikely. There are so many pressures that come with wedding planning that go overlooked. Before you judge, remember that you don’t know the following things:
And if I'm the only arrogant one, so be it. With this post, I accept the humble pie.
Until I was engaged, I was oblivious to the strangely permissive culture that weddings induce when it comes to judgment. I certainly participated. With everything else, we’re fairly tolerant people. We celebrate what makes someone unique, and we shrug it off if someone’s values don’t align with our own. But weddings. Judgment is saved up for weddings, even by those who likely consider themselves particularly non-judgemental.
I remember, pre-engagement, judging with the rest of them. Weddings are fun to to talk about. “Do you know how much they spent on that wedding? This much.”
“No! That’s ridiculous!”
“I know! She just had to have it all.”
“I can’t imagine spending that much on just one day. That’s too extravagant.”
“Same. I like simple weddings. DIY and all that.”
“She should have tried to cut some costs. That’s just outlandish. And the food wasn’t really that good.”
“She probably spent it all on the dress.”
“If I had that much to spend on a dress, I wouldn’t have chosen that one.”
And so on.
Now that I’ve planned a wedding, I hope I never allow myself to take part in these conversations again. To have an opinion is one thing, but to assume for one minute that you could have made a better decision faced with the same pressures as the poor woman you’re referring to...that’s true arrogance.
Before I was engaged, I believed that I would be the different one. I would be frugal, unlike all those extravagant brides I knew or heard about. I would be independent, unlike all the pushovers who let family’s opinions run their wedding. I would be authentic, unlike all the consumer sell-outs. I would be calm and level-headed. I would be better.
I was not. Because, turns out, planning a wedding is hard. Things cost a lot of money. People have real feelings, and sometimes those feelings matter more than having your dream day. And you only have so many hours in a day to find the balance amongst those feelings, your budget, and all the hopes and dreams you’ve had since you were a kid.
To be honest, I think I heard the judgment in people’s voices while I was engaged. Behind their kind responses was an undertone I’d carried myself in the years prior: “When it’s my turn, I’ll be better.” But maybe I made that up; I can accept that.
The point is, we need to stop judging weddings. We need to recognize the arrogance for what it is--a lie. Faced with the same influences and situations...no, we probably wouldn’t do better. Differently, almost certainly, but better...unlikely. There are so many pressures that come with wedding planning that go overlooked. Before you judge, remember that you don’t know the following things:
- Who paid for which parts of the wedding...and which strings (and/or standards to be met) came attached with that.
- Which parts of the wedding the bride wanted...and which parts someone else insisted upon.
- Which parts of the wedding were exactly what the bride envisioned...and which parts were a compromise due to budget, opinion, time, or something else.
- (Bonus) How involved the groom was in the wedding planning. Turns out, the bride and groom are different people, and if their wedding is an equal reflection of them both, they’re both probably compromising a little, resulting in something less than 100% perfection.
And if I'm the only arrogant one, so be it. With this post, I accept the humble pie.
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